Damnit Bastard

I feel like I owe you an apology.

First off, I'M ALIVE!

It's a miracle.

I've been on a secret mission in all my wonderfulness seeking a cure for Super Hero's who've lost their mojo or lost their way.

Am I making any sense whatsoever?

No?

Good.

You know how I hate being figured out.

I have moods, you see. Moods that make me moody. And the crap that's in my head I don't always want to put on here – although maybe I'll scare you one day and put it all out there.

Have you ever been in a mood and it's such that you didn't even want to talk about it? How about for, say, a month or twelve? Don't you just love me even more?

It's a characteristic of my dashing personality. Yeah, yeah. That's it. I'm an enigma even to myself and I'm considering hiring a private detective to get to the bottom of it.

Well, the warm weather has not only brought out all of the neighbors and their yapping dogs, but also these-

I was in the woods today and quickly learned not, I repeat NOT to walk in the leaves. I screamed, the snake screamed and then slithered off only to turn around and stick its tongue out at me while I was yelling, “DAMNIT BASTARD”.

So, not only do I have to contend with my neighbors and their yappy dogs outside, but these slimey creatures that are making my retreat in the forest less than comfortable.


And it didn't happen just once. Oh, no - I was stalked twice and that's the way it happened last summer too. It's a reunion. Me, medium-sized girl started carrying big stick. I guess I figured I would clobber the next one I found. Can you get in trouble for that?   Like, by the PETA Police or something?

So, after I talked myself out of not leaving the forest, I started wondering if we could just get rid of all the snakes. Do we really need them for our ecosystem? They eat mice, right? To keep the population down? I can live with mice. Mice are like gerbils, and gerbils are pets and they're furry and they run round-and-round in a wheel for our entertainment. See? Cute. NOT slimey.

A good friend of mine used to have a snake as a pet, because she's not normal, and I decided to visit and do a little desensitization therapy. Get over your fear by facing the feared object and learning to breath and relax and become less sensitive to the stimuli.

Yes, doctor. I'm ready.

The snake was taken out of it's aquarium and my friend held it so I could ever-so-gingerly touch its back, making sure to keep its head away from mine. My scrunched up face was the mirror for my insides but I was doing it. And then this “friend” started putting the snake closer and closer, which she found SO amusing, and I was seriously scared and then...then what does she do?

She puts it down on the floor to slither around.

I was still trying to put up a brave front (watching from the other room that is!) because I'm no fool, and as I watched, it slithered toward the dining room table and circled my purse that I'd left next to the chair I was sitting on. And then? Oh Mercy. And then it goes INTO my purse and curls up. Because it was tired I suppose.

Awww. Snake To Go. Cute.

Can you imagine getting into your car and driving down the road while this thing decides to come out?

This is the same friend that poured a bucket of worms on my head when we were children. As you can see, not much has changed. I still love her.