Miss Original

I stepped on the scale before getting in the shower this morning and SHA-ZAAM Batman! I lost four pounds. I stood there staring at the scale, stepped off and back on to make sure it was working.

It almost makes having a cold worth it. I blew four pounds out of my nose.

After my shower I ran and put on my skinny jeans, well, the skinny jeans for this size, and my super hero t-shirt and took myself out to Burger King for a celebratory breakfast, because that’s how nonsensical things work around here.

I then stopped by the grocery store, made my way through a parking lot full of Escalades and grabbed a cart. Weaving my way through the aisles I kept noticing this woman who looked familiar. She was wearing black exercise pants that stopped and flared out just above the ankle, with sneakers, a quilted vest and silky ponytail. Her kid would sneer at me as I walked by, and I’d wrinkle my nose or cross my eyes back hoping its’ mother wouldn’t see.

Was she following me? How could she be behind me and in front of me? What the hell is she doing? Trying to figure out my secret food plan to losing 4 pounds in a week? Detailing what I was buying that turned my nose turn pink and my skin gray? I tried to get away. I ran to the produce aisle and stopped dead in my tracks, perfectly motionless, except for my eyeballs that scanned the large area.

HOLY SHIT. THEY’RE EVERYWHERE.

Apparently, there’s a dress code and everyone knew about it but me. My invitation to Stepford Grocery Shopping Day got lost in the mail and I missed the exercise class and did not have on leggings and neglected to buy that quilted vest so I could look exactly like everyone else. I did not fit in, and that’s because I HAVE A JOB and I’m more original and besides, I’m four pounds lighter. So there quilted-exercise-lady and your little dog too!

Thanks for the t-shirt Lori. It rocks!